One thought on “Week 8: 7/26 Discussion Board

  1. Cat says:

    Dear Just Pleasure participants,

    It seems this conversation has kicked up some trauma within. I did not really know what was going on, but after a few days reading the zine and listening to the audio from last week, I found myself in a conversation with someone whom I profoundly admire, admitting to her that, yes, I am a survivor. (I can barely type the word “rape.”)

    These words still feel like chalk in my mouth. I still want to add on a slew of qualifiers. My body, however, seems to be telling me a different story. I felt I could have fainted yesterday – this feeling lasted an hour, at least. I tried to eat to settle my dizziness, heat and hyper-stimulated senses, but that didn’t work as it typically does. I had to lie down.

    I write you, however, not so much to speak to the exposure to raw, unearthed trauma that seems to be surfacing, rather to share with you a letter I wrote to my body last night. This letter, paired with a surrendered reading of bell hooks’ “all about love” seems to be aiding my capacity not to get stuck in the trauma, but to heal. To remember my wholeness. Again and again. Here is what I wrote:

    Dear Body,

    How are you doing? What do you need? You seem stressed. I love you so much and I want to take such good care of you. I am trying to listen, not to judge or impose. How can I lavish you with love? Would you like that? I will try to listen deeply and consistently and not let other people who claim authority tell you what to do.

    You are free and strong and gorgeous and courageous. You are allowed to change.

    I need you. To ground and love and dance and translate the meanings of all this life.

    Can we share this love affair with other bodies? What can I do to create safety for you? How shall we communicate? And opening? How can we open and trust and breathe and share life?

    The greatest constant can be consensual communication as we learn the intimacy of sacred sentience, sensuality, connection.

    Maybe let’s be less scared and more curious. More full of faith.

    I love you. We love. Sweet dreams.

    ***
    That is how I ended the letter last night. I awoke this morning with a similar sensation of panic in my solar plexus. I know this feeling well. I used to try to unravel it with stories and explanations. Sometimes now I remember that it is energy, just energy that might be stuck or might need to move. I try not to be so worried about the feeling. I awoke and made note of my dreams and then wrote:

    Dear Body,
    You are whole and stable and healthy.
    And always loved and safe.

    ***
    There is a part of me that wants to challenge these words, or say, “Yeah, but not yet.” But they are a prayer. What good is it to doubt my own prayer?

    I think I share this all to admit that I am strong. And I need help. Resilience is not a solo act. And maybe these words might help someone else, too.

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